Hypothetical Kill List

Since idling away time is one of my specialties, after watching GOT last night I thought why not make my own list of people I would love to see smushed by Wun Wun.

(1) Those Crueler Than Ramsay Bolton

People who publicly share their feelings, full of spoilers might I add, seconds after a GOT episode airs should be pushed off high window sills by Jaime from the past.

If someone spoils Devious Maids or Grey's Anatomy for me it's not that big a deal though. Well, mostly because I needed to prepare myself for McDreamy's demise before watching that emotionally torturous episode. Would most certainly have been scarred for life if I had sat through that without knowing exactly what was coming.


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But GOT? Really, a**holes, really? You can't keep your typing fingers to yourself for a little while longer or put up a spoiler alert sign? There's a special place in hell for people like you - the fieriest corner where you''ll have to spend the rest of your lives with Donald Trump giving you this slap-worthy look:


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(2) Producers of Click Bait

"This Man Proposed To His Girlfriend in a Gutter...The Reason Why Will Blow Your Mind!"

Oh shut up already.


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(3) Intolerant Bas Beings 

Instead of shoving your opinion down others' throats, could you perhaps calm your wonderful selves and express yourself in an un-idiotic way?

Specimen A: "YOU MAKE GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL IN US OF A?! I TELL YOU ABOUT HOW YOU WILL GO TO HELL BECAZ IZ MY DUTY TO TELL YOU THAT. I GO HEAVEN U GO HELL."

Specimen B: "*insert self-righteous status the length of an O-Level essay*"

Specimen C: "Since I have nothing better to do with my life I'm going to enlighten yours with what I deem is right, and what I think should be done because I know all. If you disagree with me I will start behaving like Specimen A."

(4) Talk-Eating

Talking while you're eating and/or chewing with your mouth open is the worst. If I can see food bits flying out of your mouth, please shut your mouth and swallow. Your witty remark on the Brexit can wait a few seconds.



(5) Slimeball Facebookers

This one's a little hard to explain but hopefully I'll get my point across. These individuals are the sort who will loudly support causes on social media and claim they respect/love everyone and everything. However, when it comes down to treating real-life humans with respect and dignity or supporting said cause with actions instead of words on Facebook, they'll conveniently do the opposite.

Example: Sadiq Khan was elected Mayor of London and Muslims all over the world celebrated the occurrence and congratulated Mr. Khan and each other.

In a world where Muslims currently have it tough, Mr. Khan's appointment was awesome. Except, the same people celebrating Mr. Khan - who is a minority in London - unashamedly and consistently lash out on minorities in their own country. Hindus, Christians, Ahmedis...none of them is wholly safe from the wrath of jackasses who run their country and live with them.

If an Ahmedi were to even think of accomplishing a similar goal in Pakistan, he or she would be "mysteriously" killed a few days later.

To conclude:

Woman Vs. Woman

Before you delve into this magnificent piece of writing: the following has been drawn from my life experiences alone and I'm going to try my best not to generalize or make sweeping statements. If I do, tell me through your experiences why I'm doing so instead of lashing out at me like a raging YouTube commentator. Much thanks, much love.


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“I hereby find you guilty of judging women more than men” <== I would definitely hear that if my subconscious went to trial. For years I unknowingly had myself convinced women were an obnoxious species, and at the same time got supremely angry at men who made sexist "women belong in the kitchen" type remarks. Stupid, right?

I would prefer befriending and hanging out with guys rather than girls, trust a male friend’s judgment more than a female’s, claim I couldn’t stand being around women for too long because "ugh, too much drama." 

Bullsh*t.

I wish I had realized this earlier...wow I had a problem. One that’s more common than you’d think. Women decide they hate other women quicker than my cat runs away after breaking something in the kitchen. In my experience, some of the women I’ve come across are so scared that another woman is going to judge them that it prevents them from being their true selves in front of them...and a wall is immediately put up. Am I making sense so far? I hope so.

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This epiphany arrived while answering someone's question: "Why do you hang out with more guys than girls anyway?" A question I've been asked often, but this time I really thought about it instead of saying "most women annoy me."

Even though I hang out with more men than women (mostly because my ladies are always in a different country), in times of dire need (and "lady talk" because men cringe-squeal if you say either of the two P words) I always turn to a woman – my best girlfriend, my mom, my sister, or even a girlfriend I'm not super close to.

Whether I'm having a crappy day, a happy day, or simply want someone to cheer me on, it's almost always my ladies who are there for me to tell me I'm invincible and can conquer any form of shit life throws at me.

Lately I’ve seen a lot of women put other women down for no reason other than “men are so much better at retaining friendships, women are just jealous/who*es/insecure/b*tches.” Perhaps you've had one or more bad experiences with a female in your life, but that doesn't necessarily mean every female is out to get you with her flawless hair.

(While we're on that subject, ladies if you see me staring at you it's because I'm admiring your funky nose ring or that soothing shade of blue on your nails. Either that or I'm trying to figure out why my face looks like an egg when I make the same hairstyle that looks so fabulous on you).

Whether it’s a coworker, a customer representative over the phone, an executive, a friend’s friend, please don’t be like me from the past and immediately think “Oh great, a woman. Can’t trust/hang out with/respect her.” I personally know guys who viciously gossip about their bros, are super petty, and quite dramatic to say the least. To note: not implying men in general are now more obnoxious as per my world view.

Oh and remember: every time you call another girl a b*tch without a valid cause (sorry, you can't label her that because she exudes enough self-confidence to not give a rat's ass about what anyone else thinks of her), somewhere in the world a man assumes he has the right to call any woman the same.

To the men in my life (you know who you are): I still love you guys just as much, don't worry.  

My Curious-Hate Relationship With Mann Mayal

Every Monday evening I'm forced to watch one of Hum TV's most idiotic dramas to date, since it's one of the few shows my sister and I can watch together. Why do we watch Mann Mayal? To get a good laugh out of it and to see what happens with one of the most obnoxious on-screen couples in the history of Pakistani television. 

Somewhat inspired by Parhlo, here are the top four reasons why Mann Mayal continues to make my eyes roll up to five times a minute during its 30 minute run:

1) Hamza Ali Abbasi's Miserably Shit Attempts To Be Prince Charming

Let me apologize to the Hamza Ali Abbasi fan club in advance...I'm sorry but I have no idea what you see in this Maulana Junaid Jamshed type being. He played a pretty good Malang Baba in Ho Mann Jahaan, yes. BUT IN MANN MAYAL HE GIVES HIS "FORBIDDEN" LOVER WANNABE RUMI ADVICE ON LIFE WHILE PRETENDING TO BE HIS PERSONAL ASSISTANT/SPY'S GURU JEE? OH MY GOD.

But wait, that's not even the worst thing Salahuddin does. The dude legit spies on his Mannu (reason two – see below) and her family from ON TOP OF A GOD DAMN BUILDING WHILE THEY'RE AT A PARK. 

Oh and he also assigns his once-nemesis Jameel to pretend he's a cook at Mannu's house so the latter can keep an eye on her...that's not creepy at all. Oh and let's not forget his general aura of "I'm so self-righteous and full of goodness and wonder...but I also deserve to die because Mannu said so."

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2) Mannu the Moron

"Because I'm a woman I must rely on a man for every single thing and be a damsel in distress every second of every day."

You got married to a crazy man out of spite because the love of your life couldn't marry you? Oh poor you. Poor, poor, poor you. Grow some woman balls. Please.

ESPECIALLY if after marrying him your entire family is telling you the guy is bad news and to divorce him, why don't you go ahead and do the exact opposite out of spite again? Oh wait...that's exactly what happened.


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3) Mikaeel's Dumbass Mother

If there are actual women like her in the real world...their future bahoo's (or daamad's) and husbands shouldn't waste any time in drugging her...for life. In Mann Mayal's world where a mother will relentlessly defend her a** of a son even if he treats her, her husband, and his own wife like crap, only she can be held accountable for his piece of shit upbringing.

HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO UTTERLY STUPID AND TRAPPED IN A "MY SON CAN DO NO WRONG" BUBBLE IF HE'S TELLING YOU TO TAKE HIS WIFE BACK TO WHERE SHE CAME FROM BECAUSE "Mama iss ko wapas bhaij dayn, meray say nahin hoga bus, nahin meray say nahin hoga" (in the most casual tone ever may I add).

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No wonder Mikaeel turned out to be such a great father to kids who he literally kicked out of his house while saying "chalo beta bye bye! niklo niklo shabaash."

4) People Who Don't See Anything Wrong With Mann Mayal

If you're one of those I hope to God I never meet you. Or I hope someone knocks some sense into your crappy brain cells. While watching one of the latest episodes on YouTube, I sighed deeply when it finished and - I shouldn't have, I know - scrolled down to read the comments.

Oh. My. GOD. These were people who had no problem watching Mann Mayal and sympathizing with poor Mannu and Salahuddin because love (even if it's between a stalker and an idiot) conquers all, but agreed that Udaari should be banned. Why? Because it prominently depicts child abuse in Pakistan.
Woah! A drama that emphasizes an important issue that needs to be tackled rather than one that revolves around marriage and saas versus bahoo or bahoo versus nand conflicts? GASP!

UGH. Y u do this Pakistan. Why.


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The Little Things II

I'm hoping to make this a regular thing so that I'm pushed to blog more often. So, without further ado, here are some of my latest favorite moments from the real and not-so-real world that made me smile or laugh out loud from the heart.

Spoiler alert if you haven't seen Season 6 episode 2 of Game of Thrones!

Banana Pudding

I hate eating bananas. Their gooey sliminess forces me to chew quickly enough to not think about the texture, but slowly enough for my brain and stomach to acknowledge I'm snacking healthy - instead of shoving handfuls of salt and vinegar chips down my throat.

However, combine bananas with other ingredients and you get magnificent results (strawberry-banana smoothies, banana pancakes, peanut butter sandwiches with banana slices etc).

I also hate pudding and custard, which is why I surprised myself by eating a giant mug of,,,wait for it,,,banana pudding last week. It was mostly because my gums were being a pain in the ass (or mouth rather) and I needed an easy-to-eat snack. But holy crap that banana pudding was so damn good. It contained sliced bananas, banana pudding of course, banana wafers, and whipped cream. And it made me so very happy. Even my coworkers were eyeing it from afar.

Pretty sure I liked it because of some psychological connection with my in-pain gums, or because I was starving, but IT WAS GREAT.

I can't believe I just ranted about banana pudding.



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Jon Snow's Apology

I watched Game of Thrones for the first time in 2011. I got bored after watching the first ten minutes and switched it off. I tried watching it six months later and ended up switching it off after fifteen minutes. In 2012, right before I went to university abroad, one of my chud buds made me watch the episode in which Drogon - Daenerys's dragon - kicks Kraznys mo Nakloz's ass. That, ladies and gentlemen, was the moment I fell in love with Daenerys Targaryen...and Game of Thrones.

If I hadn't, I would have never been able to grin after watching Kit Harrington apologize for lying to us about not returning to the show. Oh Kit, you cute little bugger you.

Flash the Sloth

Although I still haven’t seen Zootopia, its first official trailer always cracks me up. One) It features sloths working at a DMV, and two) Flash’s laugh. The trailer says it all. Watch it!

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Dragon Boating

Last weekend I, Queen of Netflix and Literally Chill, found an outdoor activity that I *gasp* loved. I was randomly looking up things to do in the Seattle area and came across Dragon Boating – paddling away, rain or shine, on Lake Union with lots of other people. 

Setting aside the fact that I have horrible stamina and my right arm’s still sore, that one hour of paddling on a gorgeous day was exhilarating. The people were wonderful, there were no awkward instances on my behalf, and the post-dragon boating food was Omnomnom-worthy. 

PC: http://clubsake.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/PDX-Race4.jpg

It's Britney, B*tch

Post-work, I usually have my iPod Shuffle on full blast so that I can dance my way home. I shamelessly listen to everything from Skrillex's Bangarang to Don McLean's American Pie to Kapoor & Sons' Kar Gayee Chull. 

What bugs me though is the lingering feeling that somewhere in the world a Music McSnoot is silently judging me while I enjoy listening to “trash” music. "You still listen to Britney Spears? Wtf." "Yes. SHE'S A GODDESS JUST LIKE RACHEL PLATTEN IS. Why do you care what I listen to? Also, f**k off."

It frustrates me that everything an individual does has to be approved by the rest of the world. Why can't I listen to Britney, or a cheesy boy band, or whoever else without getting snarky remarks? Why can’t I watch a movie and not read the book without getting hot air in my face? 

I'm guilty of such snootiness too. Till a few years ago, when someone said they loved Harry Potter because of the movies and not the books, I would automatically look down on them with a disgusted expression. Which is ridiculous! 

So, ladies and gentlemen, please stop being pricks to people who have different tastes than you do.

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Discovering Yourself is a Pain in the Ass

"Where do you see yourself in about five years?" asks the interviewer. 
What I say: "Becoming an entrepreneur and developing my own startup - one that provides *insert position-related BS*" 
What I'm thinking: "I don't f**king know." 

Why is that such a horrible answer? Because I'm not pretending I've got my shit together? Over the years, I've realized how overrated it is to have a passion - well, mostly because I don't have one. I wish I was one of those people who had a structured picture of their long-term goals...but I'm not.


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Ever since I can remember, "passion" has been thrust into my subconscious to ensure that the career I pursue is something I love and can't do without. From trashy magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour to random articles like "10 Tricks to Help You Land a Job," the P-word will surely be found within.

For me, what's more important than finding a passion is figuring out who I am. Maybe the passion part will follow once that's done with. So, here's a list of things I (and maybe even you dear reader) currently need to conquer to help explore my wonderful self. If I don't...ehn. What matters most is that I'm content and satisfied with what I'm making out of what life has to offer.

Dance Like No One's Watching...In Public

You'd be surprised at how much you can learn about yourself while swagger-twerking in a hip hop class with 15 other strangers. If you're as socially awkward as I am, go take a random dance class right now. Every single person in that studio will be too busy focusing on themselves - just like you - to care about how great you are at learning the routine.


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Stop Snapchatting Your "Exciting" Life 

Rule of thumb: If you're snapchatting your day or night out, you're not actually having fun right? If you were, you wouldn't care about proving how happy and adventurous you are to the world. I do this all the freaking time and later want to smack myself for doing it. Unless it's a super exciting event you want to share with the world, let's not exaggerate our happiness. Feel-good selfies are okay too. Heh.


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Crawl Out of Your Comfort Zone

I find it supremely difficult to make small talk, take compliments without saying something stupid, approach an acquaintance or stranger to ask a question, or go out alone without the constant thought that everyone's waiting for me to do/say something stupid. There's no way around this except taking a deep breath and not giving a shit. A skill that I'm desperate to master but I'm getting there...one not-so-awkward moment at a time.


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Distance Yourself From Idiots

It's taken me quite a while to realize that it's okay not to be chummy with friends who you were once chummy with. Whether it's because you no longer have anything in common, realized they were a douche, or simply don't like them...it's more than okay to move on. It's better to have a minimal number of people around who legit care about you rather than dozens who pretend to.


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For now, that's pretty much all I'm working on. Failing miserably sometimes but marvelously succeeding other times. Have any suggestions for me? Let me know in the comments below - without being an asswipe. Much love.

An Ode to D-220

The Little Things

Sometimes when you're in a crappy mood, having an off day, or simply looking for a teeny tiny giddy/happy moment, the weirdest things can cheese you up. Here are some of my latest favorite moments from the real and not-so-real world that made me smile or laugh out loud from the heart.

Spoiler alert if you aren't up to date with Jane the Virgin!


Petra's Pure Obliviousness To Frozen


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In Chapter Thirty Six (S02E14) of Jane the Virgin, Petra finally pops those twins with Jane by her side...and announces she's named them Elsa and Anna. Jane gives her a "are you serious" look, to which Petra retorts that only Jane could know of an unknown movie like Frozen.

Petra says vot is dis Frozen you talk about. Got me smiling like a baby eating Nutella for the first time. Or me eating donuts every single time.

Donuts, Sushi, Good Pizza, and Which Wich. And Five Guys. 

Need I say more? As of late, my appetite has been on quite a decline. Which sucks because I don't get drool-hungry enough to shove more donuts than required into my face. Safeway, Top Pot, Dunkin Donuts (except the one in Delawala, Karachi), VooDoo Doughnut...donuts donuts donuts. As soon as I take my first bite of a strawberry-filled or chocolate glazed piece of heaven, mouth undergoes multiple orgasms.

Sushi? Once in a bluemoon kind of thing but it is just...so good. PRAWN SUSHI PLEASE.

Which Wich. Ever since I moved to Seattle and found out what an a ***** Jimmy Johns is, I had no choice but to switch over to Quiznos (Subway? Ew no). But lo and behold! When I was introduced to Which Wich, I forgot all about my ex-love. Not only do they make great sandwiches, but it's more affordable (and more sandwich) than JJ has to offer. Probably healthier too.

Five Guys was my first go-to burger place when I first visited Seattle. Their staff was super professional and friendly, it was located close to where I was staying, it was one of the few places open till after 7PM in the area...and the burgers were fanfuc*ingtabulous. Juicy and well done at the same time, fill you up, delectable cajun-ish fries on the side, and fresh, yummy toppings (extra grilled mushrooms please?). Happy post-burger burps and farts all the way.

Note: Read here about why JJ is currently being boycotted by yours truly.


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Little Twit of a Brat Restores Faith

If you haven't seen this short, watch it. The Present is simple, adorable, and silently gives a very important message to the audience. I sniffled at the end while my eyes watered with drops of salty dew. No, I didn't cry! On a serious note: Stop calling humans b*tches and animals because animals are so much more humane and loving than we are. Stop animal abuse.

Note: The puppy may not have been abused and had to have his leg amputated for medical reasons or something but it's the first thing I though of.

Real-Time Love


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Aside from mushy soulmate texts, the one thing I admire most about excited texters is their...excitement. Even if they're not jumping for joy in real life or grinning away like the :D emoji, people who use exclamation marks and smiley faces/emojis automatically give me a feel-good vibe and make me want to emoji/exclaim-i my texts too. Anyone who doesn't use emojis/excitedness is a constipated prick,

The Flash


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No matter how cheesy or "lame" some might find this series, it almost always makes me laugh - what with Cisco's hilarious surprise screams and Dr. Wells's adamant low voice and seriousness, who wouldn't laugh?

Alright, I'm officially done writing my first-ever post with GIFs. Fare thee well!

Daily Reminder

If anyone knows where this is from, please let me know! No copyright infringement intended, I'm in love with this quote/part of a book.

Rinse & Repeat

Insignificant instances take over beautiful, ambitious minds

when the sun's at its lowest

and the minds cannot be distracted

by company or laughter or music

While eyelids fall over, the minds ignite themselves, 

ready to delve through past years in rapid motion

Relentlessly reminding you of cringe-worthy incidents,

the ever-unpredictable future, the current helpless place you're in

After sorting through handfuls of images on your digital companion

It soothes you to know you're not the only one

Help isn't needed because solidarity is motivation

Forget the past, let go of the future, live in the present

Push through what will follow without the analysis,

without the emotional tremors, without the fear,

Easier said than done of course

Which is why...rinse and repeat.

An Everyday Sort of Thing

She runs with the world

with the benefit of the doubt by her side

Challenges herself everyday,

to conquer insecurities, to fight others' rulings

She rolls her eyes at sexist jokes

while her heavy heart sighs once more

Determined to remain understanding,

Her opinions waltz into thin air

She’s one of those feminists right? Too modern, too liberal?

Bequeathed values, norms, and traditions surround her,

glaring at her newfound beliefs

Nonetheless, her opinions will still matter

She will calmly persist in changing the ever-so-perfect

ways of the world 

Why? Because she can.