Hypothetical Kill List

Since idling away time is one of my specialties, after watching GOT last night I thought why not make my own list of people I would love to see smushed by Wun Wun.

(1) Those Crueler Than Ramsay Bolton

People who publicly share their feelings, full of spoilers might I add, seconds after a GOT episode airs should be pushed off high window sills by Jaime from the past.

If someone spoils Devious Maids or Grey's Anatomy for me it's not that big a deal though. Well, mostly because I needed to prepare myself for McDreamy's demise before watching that emotionally torturous episode. Would most certainly have been scarred for life if I had sat through that without knowing exactly what was coming.


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But GOT? Really, a**holes, really? You can't keep your typing fingers to yourself for a little while longer or put up a spoiler alert sign? There's a special place in hell for people like you - the fieriest corner where you''ll have to spend the rest of your lives with Donald Trump giving you this slap-worthy look:


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(2) Producers of Click Bait

"This Man Proposed To His Girlfriend in a Gutter...The Reason Why Will Blow Your Mind!"

Oh shut up already.


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(3) Intolerant Bas Beings 

Instead of shoving your opinion down others' throats, could you perhaps calm your wonderful selves and express yourself in an un-idiotic way?

Specimen A: "YOU MAKE GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL IN US OF A?! I TELL YOU ABOUT HOW YOU WILL GO TO HELL BECAZ IZ MY DUTY TO TELL YOU THAT. I GO HEAVEN U GO HELL."

Specimen B: "*insert self-righteous status the length of an O-Level essay*"

Specimen C: "Since I have nothing better to do with my life I'm going to enlighten yours with what I deem is right, and what I think should be done because I know all. If you disagree with me I will start behaving like Specimen A."

(4) Talk-Eating

Talking while you're eating and/or chewing with your mouth open is the worst. If I can see food bits flying out of your mouth, please shut your mouth and swallow. Your witty remark on the Brexit can wait a few seconds.



(5) Slimeball Facebookers

This one's a little hard to explain but hopefully I'll get my point across. These individuals are the sort who will loudly support causes on social media and claim they respect/love everyone and everything. However, when it comes down to treating real-life humans with respect and dignity or supporting said cause with actions instead of words on Facebook, they'll conveniently do the opposite.

Example: Sadiq Khan was elected Mayor of London and Muslims all over the world celebrated the occurrence and congratulated Mr. Khan and each other.

In a world where Muslims currently have it tough, Mr. Khan's appointment was awesome. Except, the same people celebrating Mr. Khan - who is a minority in London - unashamedly and consistently lash out on minorities in their own country. Hindus, Christians, Ahmedis...none of them is wholly safe from the wrath of jackasses who run their country and live with them.

If an Ahmedi were to even think of accomplishing a similar goal in Pakistan, he or she would be "mysteriously" killed a few days later.

To conclude:

Woman Vs. Woman

Before you delve into this magnificent piece of writing: the following has been drawn from my life experiences alone and I'm going to try my best not to generalize or make sweeping statements. If I do, tell me through your experiences why I'm doing so instead of lashing out at me like a raging YouTube commentator. Much thanks, much love.


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“I hereby find you guilty of judging women more than men” <== I would definitely hear that if my subconscious went to trial. For years I unknowingly had myself convinced women were an obnoxious species, and at the same time got supremely angry at men who made sexist "women belong in the kitchen" type remarks. Stupid, right?

I would prefer befriending and hanging out with guys rather than girls, trust a male friend’s judgment more than a female’s, claim I couldn’t stand being around women for too long because "ugh, too much drama." 

Bullsh*t.

I wish I had realized this earlier...wow I had a problem. One that’s more common than you’d think. Women decide they hate other women quicker than my cat runs away after breaking something in the kitchen. In my experience, some of the women I’ve come across are so scared that another woman is going to judge them that it prevents them from being their true selves in front of them...and a wall is immediately put up. Am I making sense so far? I hope so.

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This epiphany arrived while answering someone's question: "Why do you hang out with more guys than girls anyway?" A question I've been asked often, but this time I really thought about it instead of saying "most women annoy me."

Even though I hang out with more men than women (mostly because my ladies are always in a different country), in times of dire need (and "lady talk" because men cringe-squeal if you say either of the two P words) I always turn to a woman – my best girlfriend, my mom, my sister, or even a girlfriend I'm not super close to.

Whether I'm having a crappy day, a happy day, or simply want someone to cheer me on, it's almost always my ladies who are there for me to tell me I'm invincible and can conquer any form of shit life throws at me.

Lately I’ve seen a lot of women put other women down for no reason other than “men are so much better at retaining friendships, women are just jealous/who*es/insecure/b*tches.” Perhaps you've had one or more bad experiences with a female in your life, but that doesn't necessarily mean every female is out to get you with her flawless hair.

(While we're on that subject, ladies if you see me staring at you it's because I'm admiring your funky nose ring or that soothing shade of blue on your nails. Either that or I'm trying to figure out why my face looks like an egg when I make the same hairstyle that looks so fabulous on you).

Whether it’s a coworker, a customer representative over the phone, an executive, a friend’s friend, please don’t be like me from the past and immediately think “Oh great, a woman. Can’t trust/hang out with/respect her.” I personally know guys who viciously gossip about their bros, are super petty, and quite dramatic to say the least. To note: not implying men in general are now more obnoxious as per my world view.

Oh and remember: every time you call another girl a b*tch without a valid cause (sorry, you can't label her that because she exudes enough self-confidence to not give a rat's ass about what anyone else thinks of her), somewhere in the world a man assumes he has the right to call any woman the same.

To the men in my life (you know who you are): I still love you guys just as much, don't worry.  

My Curious-Hate Relationship With Mann Mayal

Every Monday evening I'm forced to watch one of Hum TV's most idiotic dramas to date, since it's one of the few shows my sister and I can watch together. Why do we watch Mann Mayal? To get a good laugh out of it and to see what happens with one of the most obnoxious on-screen couples in the history of Pakistani television. 

Somewhat inspired by Parhlo, here are the top four reasons why Mann Mayal continues to make my eyes roll up to five times a minute during its 30 minute run:

1) Hamza Ali Abbasi's Miserably Shit Attempts To Be Prince Charming

Let me apologize to the Hamza Ali Abbasi fan club in advance...I'm sorry but I have no idea what you see in this Maulana Junaid Jamshed type being. He played a pretty good Malang Baba in Ho Mann Jahaan, yes. BUT IN MANN MAYAL HE GIVES HIS "FORBIDDEN" LOVER WANNABE RUMI ADVICE ON LIFE WHILE PRETENDING TO BE HIS PERSONAL ASSISTANT/SPY'S GURU JEE? OH MY GOD.

But wait, that's not even the worst thing Salahuddin does. The dude legit spies on his Mannu (reason two – see below) and her family from ON TOP OF A GOD DAMN BUILDING WHILE THEY'RE AT A PARK. 

Oh and he also assigns his once-nemesis Jameel to pretend he's a cook at Mannu's house so the latter can keep an eye on her...that's not creepy at all. Oh and let's not forget his general aura of "I'm so self-righteous and full of goodness and wonder...but I also deserve to die because Mannu said so."

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2) Mannu the Moron

"Because I'm a woman I must rely on a man for every single thing and be a damsel in distress every second of every day."

You got married to a crazy man out of spite because the love of your life couldn't marry you? Oh poor you. Poor, poor, poor you. Grow some woman balls. Please.

ESPECIALLY if after marrying him your entire family is telling you the guy is bad news and to divorce him, why don't you go ahead and do the exact opposite out of spite again? Oh wait...that's exactly what happened.


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3) Mikaeel's Dumbass Mother

If there are actual women like her in the real world...their future bahoo's (or daamad's) and husbands shouldn't waste any time in drugging her...for life. In Mann Mayal's world where a mother will relentlessly defend her a** of a son even if he treats her, her husband, and his own wife like crap, only she can be held accountable for his piece of shit upbringing.

HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO UTTERLY STUPID AND TRAPPED IN A "MY SON CAN DO NO WRONG" BUBBLE IF HE'S TELLING YOU TO TAKE HIS WIFE BACK TO WHERE SHE CAME FROM BECAUSE "Mama iss ko wapas bhaij dayn, meray say nahin hoga bus, nahin meray say nahin hoga" (in the most casual tone ever may I add).

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No wonder Mikaeel turned out to be such a great father to kids who he literally kicked out of his house while saying "chalo beta bye bye! niklo niklo shabaash."

4) People Who Don't See Anything Wrong With Mann Mayal

If you're one of those I hope to God I never meet you. Or I hope someone knocks some sense into your crappy brain cells. While watching one of the latest episodes on YouTube, I sighed deeply when it finished and - I shouldn't have, I know - scrolled down to read the comments.

Oh. My. GOD. These were people who had no problem watching Mann Mayal and sympathizing with poor Mannu and Salahuddin because love (even if it's between a stalker and an idiot) conquers all, but agreed that Udaari should be banned. Why? Because it prominently depicts child abuse in Pakistan.
Woah! A drama that emphasizes an important issue that needs to be tackled rather than one that revolves around marriage and saas versus bahoo or bahoo versus nand conflicts? GASP!

UGH. Y u do this Pakistan. Why.


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