#MeToo

Fear has turned into anger and acceptance has diminished.
As the world opens up and ignorance still dictates,
the century-old questions prevail:

Sexually harassed? Skanky outfit.
Raped? Out when she shouldn't be.
Catcalled? A compliment.
Sexist remark? Oh loosen up, it's a joke!

A drunken phone call asking why you won't say yes.
A head to toe observation accompanied by a "mashallah."
Oops! a hand on your a** because it's too crowded.
Fixated eyes because GASP a bra strap!

A tiny percent tries to get a word in,
but the majority relentlessly and blissfully ignores.
You've elected a President who - let's not even go there.
You're proud of ousting a producer who,
among many others, should have been removed years ago.

You pray regularly yet insult the girl wearing sleeveless...
while staring at her with all your pervy might.
Use religion to "justify" your judge-y claims why don't you.

Universal knowledge: some men couldn't care less.
Why is it that women then are woman's greatest enemy?
Malala in jeans? Blasphemy!
Mahira Khan smoking? Shame!
Aap ka 25 saal ka beta smoking? "Bacha hai, London ki degree hai, naukri karta hai mera beta!"

Fuming and in tears (she's PMS-ing, she'll be fine)
I sit here thankful for every single woman and man
who have taught me what my rights are.

It's taken me a while but I'm here and ready.
Your ammo might be the norm but mine's a brain.

Thank you.
(Read: F**k you)

The Man in the Jinnah Cap

I wrote this for my maternal grandfather's latest birthday and thoroughly enjoyed doing so. It's full of inside jokes so bear with me and my kooky family. Here's to you, Nana!

 “Halloo?” says Mr. KMY, very loudly, as he answers the phone   

his tone mellow and hearty and his passion for life salient and profound. 

When he arrives at Jinnah International Airport (or at times, sneakily, Cantt Station)

Lurch and Smirking Walnut are ready for his welcome.

A while later he enters D-220 with goodies galore,

including coffee cake, khatais, and Sakheel’s honey.

His aura gives off a rather pleasant vibe,

one that draws you to his historically vibrant stories.

He is of course the average human at times:

When road rage kicks in and the Punjabi in him comes flying out,

When a journalist misses a comma or calls Quaid-e-Azam “Jinnah”

When a “simple affair” AKA home cooked meal tastes “rotten.”

With his silver hair and trademark white shalwar kameez and Jinnah cap

He heads to the sofa and props up his giant feet.

Remote in hand and wife by side,

he settles down to call some of his good ol’ cronies.

Whoever he meets, he impresses with his spirited self

whoever meets him wants to adopt him.

His family calls him their secret treasure.

Today we honor Mr. KMY AKA Nana, Abu, Uncle Yusuf.

To remind him of his prowess and how special he is to us

Today we give our much belated yet deserved thanks

to the man who has always had our backs through thick and thin

and who has spoiled us with love and laughter .

By this point he has surely found an error in this poem

So I will leave him to print this dedication

and thoroughly enjoy adding/deleting commas and such.

So here you go, Mr. KMY...your very own poem.

Happy, happy birthday and may you have many more!

The Moron's Norm

Clickety clack what's in the bag?

Clear lip gloss? You from the 90's?

That's not in style girl, try some matte.

You watched the movie before reading the book?

Imbecile! The book is so much better.

It's 2017 and you're still listening to Britney?

God, how uncouth. 

A new generation, a new trend, a new norm

So much so that if you turn it around you can almost hear "moron"

Stop the bullshit, stop deciding the norm

Cultures and traditions? symbolic gestures

Want to wear white or red to your wedding? do it.

Want to wear purple, green, or brown? do it. 

But those colors aren't normal!

What will people say?

Secret: even if you wear white they'll still have something to say

Ever met a girl passionate about working and cooking both?

What, wow! 

Probably, but you chose to ignore her drive

Ever met a girl who doesn't want to work?

What, in this "feminist" age? Wow! 

Probably but you chose to ignore her opinion

Ever met a guy who understands the necessity of women's rights?

What? He's probably gay. 

I mean everyone knows gay men have illogical opinions

Ever met a guy who doesn't say "I can't express my feelings. I'm a man"?

What, why would a guy express himself? That's gay.

Sigh. 

Stop the bullshit, man.
Stop deciding the norm.

Hypothetical Kill List

Since idling away time is one of my specialties, after watching GOT last night I thought why not make my own list of people I would love to see smushed by Wun Wun.

(1) Those Crueler Than Ramsay Bolton

People who publicly share their feelings, full of spoilers might I add, seconds after a GOT episode airs should be pushed off high window sills by Jaime from the past.

If someone spoils Devious Maids or Grey's Anatomy for me it's not that big a deal though. Well, mostly because I needed to prepare myself for McDreamy's demise before watching that emotionally torturous episode. Would most certainly have been scarred for life if I had sat through that without knowing exactly what was coming.


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But GOT? Really, a**holes, really? You can't keep your typing fingers to yourself for a little while longer or put up a spoiler alert sign? There's a special place in hell for people like you - the fieriest corner where you''ll have to spend the rest of your lives with Donald Trump giving you this slap-worthy look:


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(2) Producers of Click Bait

"This Man Proposed To His Girlfriend in a Gutter...The Reason Why Will Blow Your Mind!"

Oh shut up already.


via GIPHY.

(3) Intolerant Bas Beings 

Instead of shoving your opinion down others' throats, could you perhaps calm your wonderful selves and express yourself in an un-idiotic way?

Specimen A: "YOU MAKE GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL IN US OF A?! I TELL YOU ABOUT HOW YOU WILL GO TO HELL BECAZ IZ MY DUTY TO TELL YOU THAT. I GO HEAVEN U GO HELL."

Specimen B: "*insert self-righteous status the length of an O-Level essay*"

Specimen C: "Since I have nothing better to do with my life I'm going to enlighten yours with what I deem is right, and what I think should be done because I know all. If you disagree with me I will start behaving like Specimen A."

(4) Talk-Eating

Talking while you're eating and/or chewing with your mouth open is the worst. If I can see food bits flying out of your mouth, please shut your mouth and swallow. Your witty remark on the Brexit can wait a few seconds.



(5) Slimeball Facebookers

This one's a little hard to explain but hopefully I'll get my point across. These individuals are the sort who will loudly support causes on social media and claim they respect/love everyone and everything. However, when it comes down to treating real-life humans with respect and dignity or supporting said cause with actions instead of words on Facebook, they'll conveniently do the opposite.

Example: Sadiq Khan was elected Mayor of London and Muslims all over the world celebrated the occurrence and congratulated Mr. Khan and each other.

In a world where Muslims currently have it tough, Mr. Khan's appointment was awesome. Except, the same people celebrating Mr. Khan - who is a minority in London - unashamedly and consistently lash out on minorities in their own country. Hindus, Christians, Ahmedis...none of them is wholly safe from the wrath of jackasses who run their country and live with them.

If an Ahmedi were to even think of accomplishing a similar goal in Pakistan, he or she would be "mysteriously" killed a few days later.

To conclude:

Woman Vs. Woman

Before you delve into this magnificent piece of writing: the following has been drawn from my life experiences alone and I'm going to try my best not to generalize or make sweeping statements. If I do, tell me through your experiences why I'm doing so instead of lashing out at me like a raging YouTube commentator. Much thanks, much love.


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“I hereby find you guilty of judging women more than men” <== I would definitely hear that if my subconscious went to trial. For years I unknowingly had myself convinced women were an obnoxious species, and at the same time got supremely angry at men who made sexist "women belong in the kitchen" type remarks. Stupid, right?

I would prefer befriending and hanging out with guys rather than girls, trust a male friend’s judgment more than a female’s, claim I couldn’t stand being around women for too long because "ugh, too much drama." 

Bullsh*t.

I wish I had realized this earlier...wow I had a problem. One that’s more common than you’d think. Women decide they hate other women quicker than my cat runs away after breaking something in the kitchen. In my experience, some of the women I’ve come across are so scared that another woman is going to judge them that it prevents them from being their true selves in front of them...and a wall is immediately put up. Am I making sense so far? I hope so.

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This epiphany arrived while answering someone's question: "Why do you hang out with more guys than girls anyway?" A question I've been asked often, but this time I really thought about it instead of saying "most women annoy me."

Even though I hang out with more men than women (mostly because my ladies are always in a different country), in times of dire need (and "lady talk" because men cringe-squeal if you say either of the two P words) I always turn to a woman – my best girlfriend, my mom, my sister, or even a girlfriend I'm not super close to.

Whether I'm having a crappy day, a happy day, or simply want someone to cheer me on, it's almost always my ladies who are there for me to tell me I'm invincible and can conquer any form of shit life throws at me.

Lately I’ve seen a lot of women put other women down for no reason other than “men are so much better at retaining friendships, women are just jealous/who*es/insecure/b*tches.” Perhaps you've had one or more bad experiences with a female in your life, but that doesn't necessarily mean every female is out to get you with her flawless hair.

(While we're on that subject, ladies if you see me staring at you it's because I'm admiring your funky nose ring or that soothing shade of blue on your nails. Either that or I'm trying to figure out why my face looks like an egg when I make the same hairstyle that looks so fabulous on you).

Whether it’s a coworker, a customer representative over the phone, an executive, a friend’s friend, please don’t be like me from the past and immediately think “Oh great, a woman. Can’t trust/hang out with/respect her.” I personally know guys who viciously gossip about their bros, are super petty, and quite dramatic to say the least. To note: not implying men in general are now more obnoxious as per my world view.

Oh and remember: every time you call another girl a b*tch without a valid cause (sorry, you can't label her that because she exudes enough self-confidence to not give a rat's ass about what anyone else thinks of her), somewhere in the world a man assumes he has the right to call any woman the same.

To the men in my life (you know who you are): I still love you guys just as much, don't worry.